Laurie Kilmartin

Because I Don’t Want to Look at Him Anymore on TV

I am so tired of Donald Trump. His voice, smooth from a lifetime of lying, and his essence have been forced on me for decades, since his first appearance on Oprah. Only Spy magazine recognized who Trump was back then, a “short-fingered vulgarian.” 

I’m tired of all of them. Of Eric and his greedy wife. Of Don Jr. and his desperate girlfriend. Of Ivanka, who was supposed to temper her father’s excesses in the White House but couldn’t even stop him from patting her ass on the convention stage. I’m even tired of Tiffany, and she barely exists for me or her family. 

Then there’s Melania. 

Remember in early 2016, when we thought Melania hated him? She was glum at the inauguration! She batted his hand away! She wants to escape! She picked the wrong partner—hey, we’ve all done that, she’s like us! No. What we saw is how Don and Melania are. They are rude and unloving. They treat each other terribly; selfishness is their love language. Barron, their 6′9″ beast of a child who would’ve played college ball (basket, volley—take your pick) had he been born into any other family, instead wears suits on golf carts and suggests comedy bro podcasts that might interview his sundowning father. 

Trump is bad. Trump is so bad I cannot criticize his opponent’s silence on Gaza, for fear of helping him win. I had to pretend I didn’t hear her love for fracking and the border wall, lest my displeasure tip some undecided voter in a swing state toward Stein. Trump is so bad, I will not complain if this paragraph is cut. I get it! We need him to lose, badly. 

I am sick of him, and people like him, who always get away with all their crimes. There will be another like Trump, but not for a while, maybe decades. His cowed children lack his charisma, and I suspect their legal luck will end when he does. Whatever Trump is will die with him. He is a singular, generational poison. 

But mostly, like Tim said, I just don’t want to look at him anymore on TV.

Laurie Kilmartin is a standup comedian and writer. Her latest special, Cis Woke Grief Slut, is streaming on Amazon Prime.